Self Image 2014

I'm Baiti. 

I'm 18 years, 3 weeks and 4 days old. 

Which means people are telling me that I am supposed to know what I want to do.

Honestly, I still can't figure out the answer . 

I'm a Muslim, a proud Muslim.

I'm a daughter.

A granddaughter.

A sister.

A friend.

A niece and cousins to many.

Many things have changed. 

Last year, I left my home, traveled 300 km, pursuing my study in A-Level Architecture. 

I've made many new friends and learned exciting new things. 

But some things still remained the same. 

I still listened to the same music. 

The same playlist I made last year. 

Birdy, Coldplay and a collection of some British Indie music.

I still loved the same TV shows and watched them countless times. 

Monk, Sherlock and Law & Order. 

I'm looking forward to Sherlock Season 3.

I'm a loving cat owner to Marble, Panda, Rocky Road and Pumpkin Pie.

I'm also a loving hamster owner which I never knew what their names are.

I'm an obsessive overthinker. 

A dreamer. 

A lover of all things classic and junk artsy stuff.

I'm a driver.

A lover of the rain.

I'm 5'2'' and still wondering if I could grow a few more inches.

I love making things. 

Making things creates more of me.

I'm an online procrastinator. 

I can spend hours scrolling Instagram feed and watch TheBrothersRiedell and SortedFood on YouTube.

I'm still an introvert and sentimental and self-conscious.

My friends and my mom are trying to convince me that I look better in any colour but black and brown.

But I can't help myself from dressing in these colour schemes.

I guess I'm not changing that this year. 

I love it. 

It made me feel who I am, what I want to be.  

The other day, I burnt my finger with a hot caramel. 

I made a Bucket List.

I want to travel the world. 

Leave something behind. 

Be a great artist. 

Bungee-jump. 

Fall in love.

Skydiving. 

Touch the snow. 

And most importantly, be happy.

My whole life I've planned what to do when I've graduated. 

I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I made the best decision in my life for the time being and for the future. 

But I'm still not convinced.

I'm trying to get here to there and having a little bit of trouble. 

I think time is getting faster. 

While I'm still a child trapped in a grown up body. 

I'm Baiti. And this is 2014 and I'm moving forward.

Growing up?

So, I went to the park with my dad and my sisters this evening and we saw a group of little boys playing football in puddles of mud, enjoying the after-rain air. And then my dad said with a small laugh, "Well look at those boys. Playing football without having anything to worry about." 

It has gotten me thinking. Am I growing up just yet? Am I matured yet? What it is actually 'growing up'? Yeah sure I have my driving license and my ATM card and I have to do most stuff basically on my own. I just celebrated my 18th birthday and I'm legal. I can do whatever I want. But am I growing up? I still laugh at lame jokes, pull stupid faces, make fun at people sometimes and just act immaturely at times. I guess growing up knows no age and it is subjective. 

What I'm feeling right now is, I just want to go desperately back to the days where I had all the time in the world to do whatever I felt like and my worries were all so small. No assignments and works that suffocates me. I could make other people ordered food for me in the restaurant without the waiter judged me for it. I didn't have to make any huge life choices and decisions and it was okay if I didn't know what I want to be when I grew up because none of that matters. I could make mistakes and yet it was still fine to fall back relating to the fact that I was still young and still learning because that was acceptable. And I could eat whatever I wanted without worrying about gaining weight and all that stuff. I could wear anything I wanted without thinking twice about it and without people judging my appearance. I could do that nasty, snorty, disgusting, ugly cry because it was normal to cry that way for a child. I could have meaningless conversations with my friends discussing about stickers, cartoons, games and all those stuff that are not even matters to me right now.

" I wish I could turn back the clock and be free and have no cares and no fears. 

Those were the good old days."

 And all these stuff are way way back in my past and it happened not because I decided that all of them are just childish (even if they clearly are), but it was all because I grew up. I changed gradually. It a nature of a human being. I left school, and I lost touch with people. Then I get into college and I met new people along the way and I become a whole different person without even realising it. Experiences change me. And all of a sudden, I am 18 , I'm a young adult and expected to act like one. It truly terrifies me and excites me knowing the fact that I don't know what's stored for me in the future. 

And it's funny how I forgot all the things that happened in between. I guess I just grew up and suddenly society was real. It horrifies me how I'm starting to forget all the things that were important to me back then. Birthdays, places I've been, memories with friends, they just gone. It's not like I'm getting old or lost my memory or anything like it but it was just time passing and different things are becoming more important to me. And this just terrifies the hell out of me how things that were once important, vanished.

The road to GROWING UP is just frightening.