Self Image : 2017

I'm Baiti

I'm 21 years old, 3 weeks and 6 days old.

I'm a Muslim.

A daughter.

A friend.

An aunt to one and a half years old baby Ola.

I'm a second year Architecture student at the University of Liverpool

I still have not figure out what I want to be when I graduated.

Certainly not an architect.

I'm an amateur at poetry.

I started to write as a mean to escape.

It really helps to calm my nerves down.

I'm a tea lover.

I have at least 5 different tea in my stash.

I don't know how my love for it developed

But there's something therapeutic about pouring hot water over a teabag

I'm a lover.

I am emotionally attached to someone that I never thought I would.

And he's been one of the most wonderful chapters in my life

I'm still an overthinker and sensitive as usual.

But I'm working on it.

I'm still learning how to accept criticism from people

I'm still learning how to deal with rejection

I'm still learning that not everyone will like you

for being you

And I have to eventually deal with it.

I'm a traveler.

I have been to places that I've never thought I would

Places that seems out of reach

And I couldn't be more thankful for the opportunity 

To see the world

and the people

And I've learned many valuable lessons from my trips

That we're all pretty much the same

despite the differences

I've been told by my friends

That I have an old soul

Because all my playlists are either slow jammed or classic

And because all my perfume and body mists smell like classic cars

And because I found solitude in being alone 

Well, I guess that's the only thing that they are right about me

I'm still a dreamer

I still do have a long list of what I want to be and achieve

Hopefully, I'll be able to cross off some of them this year

2016 has been an adventurous year

a year of ups and downs

and a year of a beginning

of an amazing journey ahead.

I'm Baiti

And this is 2017

And I'm moving forward.

Thoughts

I'm experiencing one of the moments,
Where you can somehow predict the future.
You know things are going to go so wrong.
And it's just a matter of time,
Before the big explosion.

And when that happens,
You know you're going to be in a big mess.
You're going to be overwhelmed by what has happened.
Because you've been in a comfort zone for too long.
You're going to be heartbroken.
Because you've missed the opportunity.
You're going to feel sorry for yourself.
Because you've made a big mistake.
And nothing feels worse than self-pity.

Slowly,
You'll let time heals your wound,
And you'll be hopeful.
That he'll come around.

Questions To My Future Self

Hey future Baiti,

How are you doing? This is you in the past, listening to Vancouver Sleep Clinic while writing this blog entry. And your annoying little sister Iman is literally by your side bugging you and spamming selfies on your phone.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to list down some questions for you to answer 5 years from now. So here it goes:

1. Has George Ezra released a new album yet? It's been 2 years since he released his first album and he hasn't come out with a new one ever since.

2. How's your diet going? For the past few weeks, you've been doing a research on the 3 days Military Diet but you still have not started.

3. Do you still listen to your playlists on Spotify? Those are some really good music. I hope your taste in music hasn't changed.

4. Are you really an architect now? Did you really continue doing MArch? If so, that's good for you. Although, I personally think that it would be much cooler if you're working as a freelancer, taking commissions and doing things that you actually love.

5. Can you drive now? I thought this question is vital because you've always had this intrusive thought of being involved in a tragic car crash. Hopefully, you've overcome that fear.

6. If you could drive, have you crash anything yet? I really hope you didn't.

7. Do you still keep the 'Monk' DVD set?

8. What are your main concerns and priorities at this moment?

9. Did you ever marry that guy? If so, I hope you two are having a great adventure together exploring the world like you've always wanted.

10. Are you happy?

11. Where do you live right now? I really hope you still living here in Bangi. You love it here.

12. Do you still get in touch with your close friends from college and university? I hope you do because they are important people in your life that keep your head up when you're down.

13. Are you still into poetry?

14, Did you ever win the 2048 game on your phone? You've been playing the game for months now and the highest digit you're getting is 512.

15. Do you own a cat(s)?

16. How are Mama and Abah doing?

17. Do you still eat the spicy ramen? The whole family is currently obsessing over the noodles.

That's all for now I guess. I'll be updating this post with more questions.

Your one and only,
Baiti Fauzi

Home

One day you will wake up in your own bed and you are 26 years old.
You will be making your way to your own kitchen, making breakfast and brewing coffee.
A song is playing on the radio, and for some reasons, it is really getting to your heart.
You are just standing there, thinking about going to work and doing your grocery afterward and thinking about what you are going to eat for dinner later.
Or maybe you are thinking about some exciting projects you have been working on, like paintings or drawings or some trips you are planning on taking.
Or maybe you are replaying in your head the favorite scene from the movie you have been watching last night.
Suddenly, you don't feel like home in your skin or in your own house.
But Mama's probably will not feel like home either.
Because time flies and things change.
For a moment, you cannot define home.
And in your blood and bones, you need the comfort of being home.
You are starting to get overwhelmed.
You are trapped in a moment where nostalgia is too immense and you feel foreign in your own body.
You are starting to realize that you will never be this young again but this is the first time you have ever been this old and you are getting older in the next few seconds.
You cannot remember when did you get from 13 to here and it gets surreal.
The song is over.
Your toast is done and so is your coffee.
You are going to take a deep breathe.
You are going to be fine in 2 minutes.

She.

She listened.

She cared.

She soothed.

She stayed.

She loved.

She sacrificed.

She thought she found a friend,

That would do the same.

But little did she know, 

That eventually,

Everyone leaves.

She was hurt,
So badly.

All the attachments,

The bonds,

The secrets,

The interests,

That she created and shared,

Seems ludicrous. 

Her trust in people started to fade.

So she had this idea,

If she showed no interest in people,

She would less likely to be hurt again.

But every time people approaches her,

She could not help but smile,

And show compassion.

So she fell into the same cycle again.

And again.

And again.
And again she was hurt.
So badly.